Um, Thank You But No

“You got to be kidding me.”
These are the words of my father, a brave man. A man with a high-pitched voice that sounds like a rooster stroking its own throat mid-crow. A man who took me to liquor drive-thrus when I was a kid. Not for beer or wine, but for barbecue-flavored Grippo’s chips and 2-liters of Tahitian Treat. Turn to your neighbor and say, “It’s a Midwest thang.”
Anyhow, Dad would use this phrase as a response to any bit of incredible news. As in:
“Dad, I got all A’s this semester.”
–“You GOT to be kidding me.”
“Dad, my foot is on fire again.
–“You GOT to be kidding me.”
“Dad, our neighbor neuters squirrels for a living.”
–“You GOT to be kidding me.”
I don’t usually like to steal people’s mojo, but I recently encountered an article that left me with only one thing to say.
“Would You Eat Breast Milk Ice Cream?” the headline read. The post featured a mother of four proudly displaying her breast shields and milk-filled bottles next to an ice cream maker. (And she’s wearing an apron, which leads me to believe there’s a poor wet nurse locked in the pantry who is missing her five minutes of shine thanks to this hungry milk nabber.)
It took all the milk in me not to finish a bag of Red Hot Grippo’s before taking even one sip of Dr. Pepper to calm the tongue-sting. Turn to your neighbor and say, “Ohio is for [junk food] lovers.”
This mother with her mysteriously aproned chest comments that she had never thought to put her own milk in smoothies or mac n cheese for her whole family to enjoy. That is, until she found out a store in London sells ice cream made from the bosom of someone’s very milky lady friend.
I know what you’re thinking, Dear Reader. That lady friend is not me. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m not above it. I would sell my milk for rand or whatever London’s currency is, but I already have a Medela hands-free pump. So I have no need for savings.
But if my thoughtful husband hadn’t upgraded me from a single electric pump to one I can hang glide with, I would certainly take on the job of London’s premier lady cow.
That is, of course, if I could get offers like Ted Williams. I would be pasted on the sides of buses, or whatever they drive in London, and I would be videotaped while I hugged my mother, waved my contract, and said, “Look, Mommy! Look! I’m the new voice of Kraft.”
And she would smile then warn, “Don’t mess this one up, Taylor. Last time you got a breast milk contract, you cracked under the pressure and your milk dried up.”
“Oh, Mommy,” I’d say. “They wanna give me a house. With freezers in every room. I can even pump and store my milk in the rooftop Jacuzzi. The Washington Wizards want to serve my milk in those orange Gatorade coolers during every home game.”
So it’s not the pumping I take issue with, my friend. It’s the eating of the pumped. That’s where I muster up my best impression of Dad’s voice, something like a baby seal sucking in helium—or maybe a sick hamster on a Ferris wheel—and say:
You GOT to be kidding me.
Now, you might be wondering where I get the paunches to judge. I’ll tell you where—I get it from the gluten-free aisle. You see, Elie Mae loves my milks. Her cheeks were made to accept and store my milks until proper swallowing has transpired. However, my milks were making her sick.
So now, even on my birthday (Happy Birfdey to me!), I am on a “no” diet. As in:
-no wheat
-no eggs
-no nuts
-no soy
-no DAIRY.
And even in this desperate state, in which Elie and I are starved of brownies containing real goo and cookies that don’t taste like water and fig paste, we have agreed that I will not drink my own milk. Like that old Weight Watchers commercial, I don’t want my daughter’s first words to be:
“Mommy, dat Elie’s milks.” 

5 thoughts on “Um, Thank You But No

  1. OH my gosh…so funny! This is a laugh out loud read for sure. For two reasons: 1. YOU are an amazing writer! What a gift you have for expression and making others smile! 2. Been there…and yes…on more than 1 Birthday 😦 Girl you better com on over here OR give me your address so I can bake you the yummiest gluten, dairy, egg, nut, soy, free cake AND ice creme you've ever had! SERIOUSLY! FYI: In case you feel like talking your hubby into going out for you b/f your day is over…you need to experience Purley Decitant Coconut Milk Ice Creme! Will blow your mind 🙂

  2. I don't know what's more impressive–that you can abstain from all of those "no-nos" even on your birthday when most would have run to formula long ago… or that you could consume 2 liters of Tahitian Treat! Kudos to you on another great post and your outstanding parenting!

  3. Taylor you are an amazing writer! You continue to leave laughing….look forward to the next episode! And happy belated bday by 17 minutes…darn!

  4. Happy Belated "NO" Birthday:) You are truly a one of a kind Mama and I'm happy to say you are my friend:) You BETTER take up on Melanie's offer, she can cook like there is no tomorrow! I bet your gut is feeling pretty good since you can't put alot of juck food in it. Stick it out, it's little Elie's healthy we are talking about:) As soon as I closed my Milk Bar for Micah and Brayden they both got ear infections.(NO FUN.) Can't wait to see you soon!

  5. Absoulutely hilarious!Ron read me a previous blog from you about the Library…..I've been there done that and laughed so hard because it's oh so true! LOL!This is yet a belly shaker!And as mentioned before you are an amazing mom to continue the breast feeding journey! It's such a sacrifice but oh so worth it! *Breast Milk is The Best Milk*

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