Yeah, I “Liked” the Breastfeeding Doll

Today I “liked” the breastfeeding doll page on Facebook. This multi-talented doll, manufactured by a Spanish company, is making its way to the U.S. any day now. I hope they’ll sell it in bulk at Costco.

Here’s how it works: a little girl puts on a halter, she holds the doll up to her chest, and the baby makes an obnoxious sucking sound.

Check out the demonstration video here.

Now hold your comments, because I agree with you–there are a LOT of kinks to be worked out with this doll. Here are a few of my biggest gripes:

1) The doll latches onto FLOWERS that symbolize breasts.

PROBLEM: Breasts are not flowers. And postpartum breasts, filled with milk, are more like weeping willows. Very heavy and engorged willows. That leave you in a puddle of your own milk during the night.

These kids need to know the truth, and they can’t handle the truth. I don’t want little Susannah going to years of therapy and throwing back Red Bulls when she one day gives birth to a doll, nurses it, and then looks down at her chest in horror. After all, she’ll only be 9 years old.

2) The “mom” can nurse whenever she wants.

PROBLEM: There is no known cure for baby-doll-induced mastitis. What will this company, Berjuan Toys, sell next? A bottle of antibiotics? Will the 2012 doll come with a heating pad and cabbage?! Because little Susannah will need it with all of that pent-up overflow. And someone will have to take her fake temperature to make sure her fake infected milk ducts aren’t taking over her body.

Little Suzy can’t even spell Bactrim. But soon she’ll be picking it up from the pharmacy. I wonder if she makes enough in allowance to cover the co-pay.

3) What if the baby doesn’t latch right away?

PROBLEM: As far as I know, Berjuan Toys has no plans to manufacture lactation consultants. Who will teach Suzy the “tickle, tickle, RAM” trick? She will think it’s HER fault. That SHE’S inadequate. That if only she had watered her daisies, she could feed her own baby.

And she’s back in therapy.

4) The baby burps like a grown man.

PROBLEM: Who put Zach Galifianakis in my lap? Seriously, will the doll grow a beard by nightfall? Should I buy a Mach3?

So we agree that the doll isn’t perfect. But in the words of George Bush’s leprechaun, “We don’t have to throw the breastfeeding baby out with the soiled nursing pads.” In fact, this doll, with a little re-marketing, could revolutionize the way we feed our babies. And ourselves.

Come back next week to find out how.

6 thoughts on “Yeah, I “Liked” the Breastfeeding Doll

  1. Hilarious article, Taylor! Well written and timely. Love this from your viewpoint as a new mom. What will they think of next?

  2. PAH HA HA HAAAA! I’m crying tears of joy over here! Thanks, Taylor, for the deep gut laugh. Soooo needed it.
    Former Breastfeeding Mom

  3. Hilarious! I read about this doll a few months ago and was disturbed but then I thought, it’s better to make breastfeeding normative than many other things. But deep down inside I’m still going to give a little girl on the Metro pretending to breastfeed a doll the side-eye (LOL).

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