Truly, I am sorry. I hope you were not in a meeting with your CEO or describing your bowels to the internist or standing still on one foot, clutching your prayer beads, as the scorpion backed away. I hope you were not, with great anticipation of all the feels, consummating your marriage or defending your […]Read more "I’m Sorry My Son FaceTimed You from a Bathroom Stall in Target"
I wasn’t going to blog. I was going to stay in my baby cave, where my responsibilities center on pumping and sanitizing nipples (not mine, Dr. Brown’s). I’m pumping because Christopher has declared a state of independence. He’s his own man, won’t be attached to anyone’s chest. Won’t be called a mama’s boy. They tried […]Read more "Crowned Queen of Colostrum"
I did it. After years of making fun of black friends and strangers in grocery stores and parking lots, I did it. I overdressed Eliot. You see, African Americans have a long and cherished—and even mildly dangerous—tradition of layering their babies. It’s true. I found this related quote in an Ohio newspaper from 1898: “I […]Read more "Don’t Let That Baby Catch Cold"
Man, you think you’ve seen it all after having a baby. I’ve changed the diapers, I’ve caught the spit up, I’ve even picked the boogers out with my bare pinky. And I do it out of love. Anything for Elie Mae. But there are times when I find EM pushing the limits just for the […]Read more "Pooping with Rick James"
I did the unthinkable. I bought Elie Mae a Halloween costume. I know, I know. I had planned to sew her the Confederate flag onesie and make her push a small cannon through the streets. I thought this perfect for an 11-month-old. Alas, I’ve been sucked into the microwave generation. I walked into Old Navy […]Read more "Why I Must Make Elie Mae’s Costume Myself"
Oh schnap. We got a callback from last week’s audition. Getting the news was sort of like getting baptized again—only this time the water was warm and I wasn’t wearing white underwear. As the good book sayeth, “He hath opened the heavens and rained down blessings upon the Umble.” The Hebrew word for blessings literally […]Read more "Don’t Call Me. I’ll Call You…Back."